Midnights, March: 11

Some thoughts:

I am not a teacher, but from the outside, teaching looks to be more of an art than a science. Unless you're teaching science, in which case it looks to be a lot like math. 


Seabedabbled is a word only topped by the jazzy consonantal back-and-forth of dewbedabbled.


I'm in a virtual book club with a friend I've known for 25 YEARS. But we just started Joyce's Ulysses and I fear it may be another 25 before we finish.


There should be mandatory D.E.A.R. days nationwide, like back in elementary school. There just should. Everybody reads, and everything is better off for it.

Thank you for your time.

Midnights, March: 9

I know that there are plenty of other writer-mothers out there who, by eight months postpartum, were fully back into a writing routine. I can picture them, hunched in the dim light of a late-night nursing session, typing away, hitting their word counts, getting it done. 

I am not one of those women. 

I’m built different. 

Worse.

“Every path is different, Carrie,” they tell me. “Don’t stress about it. Just stay in your lane. Moisturize. Hydrate.” 

That’s too slippery. I don't need all that stuff; I just want to be over the eight-month dry spell that started the day I pressed “print” on this baby. [AHAHA SUCH A GROSS METAPHOR WHY DID I EVEN THINK OF THAT—although there was a bit of a paper jam at one point—APPARENTLY 3-AM-CARRIE HAS NO FILTER.]

I was so fruitful while I was pregnant. What happened? “MAYBE,” I hear you say, “YOU’RE SLEEP-DEPRIVED.” But that’s not it. Not entirely. Maybe it's simply that nothing I will ever create for the rest of my life could possibly compare to this sweet boy. He is my tiny masterpiece, the babbling-drooling-giggling pinnacle of my creative abilities. Maybe that's why it's so painful now to read over my writing. “This isn't good enough,” I mutter with mounting frustration, but I don't know how to make it better. I read and I learn and I practice, but still the writing doesn't get there. What am I looking for? What will be good enough? Is it a problem with story or prose? 

Eight months later, I'm still not sure. 

Meanwhile, the work waits.

Midnights, March: 8

What does it mean exactly when someone says they “woke up in a cold sweat”? I've woken up sweaty, but it's never been cold. But it sounds wrong to say you woke up in a hot sweat. 

Well, anyway. I just woke up in a hot sweat. 

I've been listening to a podcast (unusual for me) that goes behind the scenes of a certain 2010s sitcom about quirky roommates living in LA. Sometimes they’ll have writers come on and describe what it was like in the writers’ room, and they all talk about the exhausting process of pitching and filming pages of alternate jokes for every episode. The sheer amount of material this would generate for a 24-episode season is staggering, but it does lend itself to a fresher and less judgmental environment. It pushes past the more cliche first impulses and gets right into the weird stuff. 

In another life, I would've tried to make it as a comedy writer on a show like this. It would have been terrifying, but in a good way. Maybe. Like boot camp for writing jokes.

I wonder if I could finagle that type of environment for myself now. The urgency of writing to a deadline (i.e. before the baby wakes up); the freedom and pressure that come with pitching alts upon alts; trusting the editing process to bring the right combination together in the end. 

My current process isn’t entirely dissimilar. Just that I’ve created an environment I’d describe as more agonizing than fun. For instance, is “tepid sweat" funnier than “hot sweat”? I think it is, plus it has that ear-pleasing assonance, but instead of putting several options in brackets and setting them to stew over a mental cookfire, I will stop mid-flow and obsess until it's RIGHT. Sure there's a dopamine hit when I solve the problem—if I can solve it—but the rigidity of this approach probably curbs a lot of creativity.

I can't recreate the collaborative nature of a writers’ room for myself, though. There's something to that instant feedback on a joke. I've tried reading bits to the dogs, but they just stare at me impassively. And Albie’s really in more of a physical comedy phase right now. I guess I could try co-working, but I imagine people would get annoyed if I kept demanding more punchlines about sweat while they’re just trying to do their spreadsheets in peace (clearly I have no idea what people with Real Jobs actually do).

[Edit from the next morning: The phrase is “break out in a cold sweat.” You wake up “drenched in sweat”—no mention of the temperature. That type of sloppy mistake would've never happened in a writers’ room!]

Midnights, March: 7

Babies, they say, resist sleep when learning a new skill. As far as I can tell, Albie’s newest skill involves digging his little fingernails into my cheek and tossing my face to the side so he can take a gander at my brains through my ear canal. Then he gets his wee paws in there and starts digging around like a badger scrabbling after earthworms. 

Otherwise he's practicing crawling. Earlier tonight when I laid him on the changing table, he surprised me by immediately rolling over, planting his palms, and scuttling backward, his feet flailing among all of the Changing Things. 

“Look out, Mama!” he hollered. “Time to scoot! It’s scootin’ time!” 

Son, nooo! I called after him, but it was too late. He’d scooted right away.

Midnights, March: 6

Do you think Hemingway ever said “It's my way or the Heming-way”? I hope so, though I can't imagine it at all. Ol’ Ernie the punster.

They say sleep deprivation is tantamount to drunkenness. Of course, they say this in regard to driving impairment, but I wonder if it would also apply to another Hemingway quote: “Write drunk; edit sober.” If so, then these little entries may just turn out to be my finest work.

Midnights, March: 5

Special 1:30 am entry: 

Nothing—nothing—feels worse than listening to your own baby cry. 

“What about inserting hot needles under your toenails and then soaking your feet in lemon juice?” you ask.

Damn, buddy. That escalated. 

Well, is the baby sleeping soundly? Then I shall take the needles, thank you. 

“What if you suggested doing something you thought would be kinda cool and a teenage girl responded with ‘Let's not and say we did’?”

Okay, CALM DOWN, you monster. You can't just throw that phrase around. That shit is lethal.

Midnights, March: 4

My husband’s birthday was today (yesterday? the day directly preceding this night) and the baby decided to celebrate by not taking any naps. He'd go down in his crib, all but asleep, for the express purpose of napping, but then he would startle awake as if to say, HOW DARE YOU LET ME SLEEP THROUGH EVEN ONE SECOND OF DAD'S MOST SPECIAL BIRTHDAY, MOTHER. Which is sweet, but then when Bill got home from work, Albie could hardly keep his little eyes open.

He didn’t even get to try his first bite of cake.

Midnights, March: 2

That was pretty bold, Yesterday's Carrie, to assume me capable of whipping up something funny at 3 am. This is an hour for scoundrels and thieves. (What does that even mean? I have no idea. I'm so tired.)

I used to do my best writing at this time of night. But now? Well, I just tried to mentally break down a sandbox to a 1:16 scale model, but something definitely went wrong along the way, because this thing got tiny. I guess I could use it as a mental ashtray. But why did I try that in the first place? To what end? From what possible beginning? Thoughts are squirrelly this time of night.

I'm not funny at 3 am anymore. Rather, you can't wake up at 3 am and be funny. You can stay up this late and be very funny, but an alarm set for the wee hours is not conducive to humor.

When I pick Albie up to feed him, I know he's extra hungry when he manages to dive to the side in the air so that he's horizontal in my arms. “Allow me,” he says, saving me the trouble of shifting him into position. “Shall we start with the left side tonight?” It is adorable—and slightly embarrassing that my infant son has the type of core strength I could only dream of.