Midnights, March: 31

I have realized that if I stand a chance at happiness in this season, I need to get more sleep. That means cutting out this night feed as much as Albie will let me. Yes, I wanted to bulk him up a bit with extra Night Calories—Nutrition After Dark—but I will just have to do my best to convince Ol’ Wiggly-Pants McGee to buckle down and concentrate on eating more during the day. Sun’s out…tongue’s out? No. Oh, yikes. Forget I said that. 

Does this mean you won't continue Midnights, March into April? I hear you ask. Good question, you! To which I say, Not if I can help it. Though I’m not sure much has changed in terms of skill or motivation over the past month, this nightly discipline has still been a valuable exercise as I ease back into writing. At the very least it's reminded me how much I really do enjoy blogging. But I probably won't do it every night. It’s time to get back to fiction. 

But anyway. Thank you, as always, for reading. 

I love you. 

Be well. 

(That is a threat.)

Midnights, March: 28

I LONG FOR IMMORTALITY NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER BUT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO REWATCH ALL THE EMBARRASSING THINGS I’VE DONE WHEN MY LIFE FLASHES BEFORE MY EYES.

Most of which took place today.

Anyway.

Albie is very much GETTING AROUND now. It's a little frightening. He needs SO much supervision + retrieval (I'm trying to establish the dogs’ bed as a “safe zone” free from grabby hands, but that feels like an exercise in futility. He just loves them so much! He has a special shriek for when he sees them, even if he last saw them two minutes ago). Back when he was little more than a blob with eyes, I could step away for seconds at a time before he would make a little squawk as if to ask, “Where are you going, Mama—MAMA?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING AGAIN.” Now I am the one watching him with wide, unblinking eyes, saying, “Where are you going, Albie—ALBIE. WHERE ARE YOU GOING. ALBIE. COME BACK.”

But alas. He is gone. With a fist full of Cheerios and a heart full of dreams.

Midnights, March: 25

This afternoon, the type of warm early-spring afternoon where the new shoots are so hearty-green they're almost blue, the baby fell asleep on our walk. I parked his stroller next to a bench. I pulled out my notebook. I pulled out a pen. And then I sat, watching the river, and scribbled in said notebook with said pen for ten glorious minutes

At which point an elderly couple approached along the trail, their smiles hungry, their gait surprisingly quick.

“What do you have in there?” they called out coyly. 

“Eighteen pounds of pure black tar heroin,” I thought but did not say. 

Nor did I say, “What do you think, old woman? This is the weight of my own mortality. Careful! It bites!”

What I most wish I’d said was, “Biggest damn pigeon you've ever seen.”

They came right up to us as if they owned the place and cooed loudly enough that the baby's eyes fluttered open in surprise. 

“What's all this?” he asked me with a look. “More grandparents?”

The woman bent close to my face. “I haven't had one of them in sixty-seven years.”

Sixty-seven years! Then she must be at least in her late eighties. And still her lipstick shade was so fresh. 

And yet, they had woken my sleeping baby and must therefore be my enemies for all time. 

Midnights, March: 19

I feel so much better tonight. Whoever invented naps was a genius. A small sleep outside of your regular big sleep? A demi-sleep? A li’l nappetizer? The a-snooze-bouche course? Snore d’oeuvres? That’s just some reeeal smart-brain stuff. Don't get me wrong; I'm still tired with a tiredness that fills my head like bees, but at least the bees are a bit subdued.

Albie stood today. He was holding onto his little Fisher Price push-toy, and I let go, and he stayed up, his plump legs set in a wide stance and his feet planted surely beneath him. I just laughed and laughed in half-disbelieving delight, feeling like Sarah in the Hebrew Bible.

Midnights, March: 15

It’s so annoying when I say things like “I’LL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW,” because tomorrow keeps turning into today and all those things I said I’d do have to get done even though the only thing I want to do is slink to the ground muttering, “But I am le tiiired.”

Albie slept in this morning and Bill was home to occupy his wiggly little bottom, so I did some writing. I DID IT. I went through a story I’ve been working on for months (years? everything is a blur) and I filled in the gaps between scenes. It is not good writing. I literally just wrote, “Then this happens. Then this happens. And then, this.” But it’s story. I’m getting it done. I’m plastering over the holes; I’ll paint them neatly later.

MAYBE TOMORROW.

Midnights, March: 14

Friday the 13th and my sisters have been texting spooky stories like it's the old days, all of us tucked into our beds in one room, staring at the ceiling in the dark, silent and breathless and shivering while the eldest scares the bejeebers out of us. 

I pulled up an old first draft today—only 6,000 words, but still. I read it over, appreciating a few sentences, feeling excited to work on it again. However, the wiggly curiosity of an eight-month-old made this all but impossible—at least while he was awake. Unfortunately, I'm still at the point where I need to sleep when he sleeps, so there isn't much time other than…well, right now. Three in the morning. When the brain is the soup.

Yet people make writing work even under conditions far more awkward and challenging than this. So I will try again tomorrow.

Midnights, March: 9

I know that there are plenty of other writer-mothers out there who, by eight months postpartum, were fully back into a writing routine. I can picture them, hunched in the dim light of a late-night nursing session, typing away, hitting their word counts, getting it done. 

I am not one of those women. 

I’m built different. 

Worse.

“Every path is different, Carrie,” they tell me. “Don’t stress about it. Just stay in your lane. Moisturize. Hydrate.” 

That’s too slippery. I don't need all that stuff; I just want to be over the eight-month dry spell that started the day I pressed “print” on this baby. [AHAHA SUCH A GROSS METAPHOR WHY DID I EVEN THINK OF THAT—although there was a bit of a paper jam at one point—APPARENTLY 3-AM-CARRIE HAS NO FILTER.]

I was so fruitful while I was pregnant. What happened? “MAYBE,” I hear you say, “YOU’RE SLEEP-DEPRIVED.” But that’s not it. Not entirely. Maybe it's simply that nothing I will ever create for the rest of my life could possibly compare to this sweet boy. He is my tiny masterpiece, the babbling-drooling-giggling pinnacle of my creative abilities. Maybe that's why it's so painful now to read over my writing. “This isn't good enough,” I mutter with mounting frustration, but I don't know how to make it better. I read and I learn and I practice, but still the writing doesn't get there. What am I looking for? What will be good enough? Is it a problem with story or prose? 

Eight months later, I'm still not sure. 

Meanwhile, the work waits.

Midnights, March: 8

What does it mean exactly when someone says they “woke up in a cold sweat”? I've woken up sweaty, but it's never been cold. But it sounds wrong to say you woke up in a hot sweat. 

Well, anyway. I just woke up in a hot sweat. 

I've been listening to a podcast (unusual for me) that goes behind the scenes of a certain 2010s sitcom about quirky roommates living in LA. Sometimes they’ll have writers come on and describe what it was like in the writers’ room, and they all talk about the exhausting process of pitching and filming pages of alternate jokes for every episode. The sheer amount of material this would generate for a 24-episode season is staggering, but it does lend itself to a fresher and less judgmental environment. It pushes past the more cliche first impulses and gets right into the weird stuff. 

In another life, I would've tried to make it as a comedy writer on a show like this. It would have been terrifying, but in a good way. Maybe. Like boot camp for writing jokes.

I wonder if I could finagle that type of environment for myself now. The urgency of writing to a deadline (i.e. before the baby wakes up); the freedom and pressure that come with pitching alts upon alts; trusting the editing process to bring the right combination together in the end. 

My current process isn’t entirely dissimilar. Just that I’ve created an environment I’d describe as more agonizing than fun. For instance, is “tepid sweat" funnier than “hot sweat”? I think it is, plus it has that ear-pleasing assonance, but instead of putting several options in brackets and setting them to stew over a mental cookfire, I will stop mid-flow and obsess until it's RIGHT. Sure there's a dopamine hit when I solve the problem—if I can solve it—but the rigidity of this approach probably curbs a lot of creativity.

I can't recreate the collaborative nature of a writers’ room for myself, though. There's something to that instant feedback on a joke. I've tried reading bits to the dogs, but they just stare at me impassively. And Albie’s really in more of a physical comedy phase right now. I guess I could try co-working, but I imagine people would get annoyed if I kept demanding more punchlines about sweat while they’re just trying to do their spreadsheets in peace (clearly I have no idea what people with Real Jobs actually do).

[Edit from the next morning: The phrase is “break out in a cold sweat.” You wake up “drenched in sweat”—no mention of the temperature. That type of sloppy mistake would've never happened in a writers’ room!]