Anxiety Ambassador — Carrie Muller

Hello, friends.

To put it mildly, this is a challenging time. Some of you may be experiencing STRANGE FEELINGS you’ve never felt before—or at least not as intensely as you do now. Maybe you’re struggling with insomnia. Or you’re waking up several times during the night with your heart racing. Maybe you’ve been too distracted to concentrate, your mind fuzzy and dull or racing with a cacophony of spiraling thoughts. Maybe you’ve felt dizzy, or nauseated, or you’re suffering from terrible headaches and tense muscles. Maybe your appetite has disappeared, or maybe you can’t get food into your mouth fast enough.

Welp. I can tell you exactly what’s happening.

Don’t get me wrong—you (probably) don’t have an anxiety disorder. In this type of extreme situation, a heightened level of worry is completely normal and expected. But that doesn’t make it easy. That’s why I’m here to offer my services as your Anxiety Ambassador, ready to lend expertise gleaned from decades of experience with the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual effects of that cruel mistress Anxiety.

You may already have an Anxiety Ambassador in your life who can demonstrate proper care and keeping of your Anxiety. If that’s the case, great! It’s always nice to let your Friendly Neighborhood Person with Anxiety know that their worries actually serve a purpose sometimes. But if you don’t have someone like this in your life, feel free to call on me any time of the day or night for all your anxiety needs.

Let’s get started, shall we?

ARE YA HAVIN’ A PANIC ATTACK? “How can I tell?” you might ask. Well, you know how heart attacks are depicted in movies? The person breaks into a sweat, dramatically clutches their chest, and then falls to the ground with a strangled, “Ack! Oof!”? That’s a lot what a panic attack looks like. You will likely hyperventilate. Maybe your hands will go tingly as chills course through you and your blood feels like it’s racing through your veins. Your heart will pound, your head will spin, you’ll feel as if a rhinoceros sat on your chest while you were taking a nap. “How rude!” you might say. That’s true, it is quite rude. But when these feelings fail to subside after a moment, you may grow alarmed and exclaim, “THIS IS IT. THIS IS HOW I GO. SQUASHED BY AN INVISIBLE RHINOCEROS.”
Well, I hate to contradict what your panicked brain is telling you, but this probably isn’t your time. While you may feel like you’re dying, in reality it’s just your nervous system trying to keep you safe. It has good intentions, I promise. Even though it feels like it’s trying to off you.
“So what should I do about it?” you’re likely asking. That’s a fine question. A sensible question. And it deserves a sensible answer. The best thing to do, in my experience, is to act out a tiger attack. Literally. What is actually happening in your body right now mirrors your ancient, inherited response to danger. Like this:
THERE IS DANGER! says your brain. Immediately your body LEAPS into action. Digestion shuts down. Blood rushes from your head to fuel your automatic DANGER response. Your breathing gets faster so more oxygen is available for things like KICKS and SWIPES and JABS. Your vision narrows to help you focus on the threat. Adrenalin courses through you as you prepare to FIGHT or FLEE. And all this would be so great! Really helpful! Assuming the threat was something physical like a tiger, instead of this more abstract danger of your own existential fears.
But why not PRETEND it’s a tiger, anyway? When the signs of acute anxiety start ratcheting up, and you say to yourself, “Thar she blows, boys—panic attack a-comin’!” just pretend that a tiger is stalking you from the next room. Stand up. Face your enemy boldly. Wrestle it to the ground. Try not to knock over any lamps. Or, if you are a flight-er, just run around your home for ten, fifteen minutes. Imagine the tiger chasing you through each room. There she is, poised to pounce! Were those her claws swiping at your back? Run, friend—run before she catches you and swallows you whole!
The last, vital part of this exercise is to celebrate at the end. You’ve defeated/escaped the threat! Hoorah! Now it is time to jump up and down with your hands to the sky! Or kiss your quarantine companion passionately like in that V-J Day picture! Or, if you don’t have any quarantine companions, maybe smooch a shapely lamp! Or make yourself a milkshake! Anything to let your body know that the threat is gone and you can go back to gathering berries or whatever brought you wandering into tiger territory in the first place. Or you might want to take a nap after all that activity. Go on. You deserve it.
DO YA FEEL LIGHT-HEADED FROM ALL YER GOLDARNED THOUGHTS? Ongoing anxiety is more difficult to deal with than acute anxiety, because your body still responds as if it were facing a tiger, but the response goes on and on, wearing down your system and making life pretty miserable. If your thoughts won’t shut off and keep triggering your stress response, it’s best to sit down for a minute and reel those buggers back in.
Here’s a trick you might find snappy: Put on a hat. The largest one you can find. If you don’t have a hat, wrap a towel around your head like a turban. Now imagine all your thoughts rising up out of your head and into the hat. Like water evaporating from a puddle. Now, this is the tricky part: quickly, stealthily, swipe the hat off your head and place it in a bag, or a trunk, or the freezer—anywhere your thoughts can be safely contained. Sure, they’ll likely find a way to creep back into your head, but at least for a time you can do something productive, like play your sixtieth hour of Animal Crossing. Or, again, maybe take a nap. I cannot overstate how tiring anxiety can be.
HAVIN’ TROUBLE SLEEPIN’? You could always go with the ol’ standard. Hand someone a rolling pin and tell ‘em to conk y’over the head with it. But here’s another practice you might find works pretty well:
Snuggle up in your bed all cozy and warm. Got some water next to you? Need a little snack before you go to sleep? No? All set? Great. Now start thinking about everything you’ve ever had to be grateful for. This might sound trite, but I don’t mean to call you a complainer or tell you to quit whinin’ and think about everyone else who has it worse than you. Just…think about something nice you saw. Like the green of the new spring leaves on a tree. That was pretty, right? What a nice world, to offer sights like that. Or your best friend. Aren’t they a treasure? You’re pretty lucky to have them in your life—and they’re lucky to have you! Or how about cheese? Whew! Who could be upset for long when there’s cheese in the world?! (Obviously if you’re lactose intolerant or somehow inexplicably dislike cheese, substitute whatever you enjoy. Muffins! Sirloin steaks! Grape Nuts! Spam!) If stressful thoughts come up again, that’s okay. Just think, Wow! How wonderful that I have a brain that’s working so hard all the time to keep me safe! And then maybe think about how cool it is that we have helmets, so you can keep your brain safe in exchange.
HAVE YA BEEN CRABBIER THAN A CHESAPEAKE FISHERMAN? Listen. I get it. The world is so annoying. Your moods are totally justified. But are they fun? Many people will encourage you to start a calming practice like meditation or work your moods out through exercise. Not me. Those methods are all well and good, but they can take weeks to kick in. You need relief now! That’s why I like to keep a store of crockery for just such occasions.
PIcture this: You’re so irritated you could rip out your own eyeballs just so you have something to throw against the wall. However, instead of blinding yourself, you head up to a high place—maybe the roof, maybe a window—and, after making sure nobody is down below, you throw down a mug and watch with satisfaction as it smashes on the ground beneath you. WHAT CATHARSIS! You throw a plate. WHAT JOY! Nothing like a little destruction to get you out of a bad mood. Plus, maybe you get out in the fresh air a little bit? Get a little sunshine? Can’t hurt.
ARE YA JUST FEELIN’ LISTLESS AND DULL, LIKE YOU’RE SUFFERING FROM A CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS ENNUI BUT CAN’T QUITE FIGURE OUT WHY? This is going to sound silly, but I swear it works.
You’re gonna need to sing it out.
Labeling what you’re feeling does a surprising amount to help alleviate a distressing emotion, and it’s even better if you add in the absurdity of singing out loud to no one. It doesn’t have to be a grand aria. It doesn’t even have to rhyme. Just pick a little tune and musically narrate what’s going on in your Feelings and your Brain. Like this:

WELL, I FEEL MUCH BETTER.

(I undergo this humiliation to show just how much I care about you, and how seriously I take my role as Anxiety Ambassador.)

If none of these suggestions works for you, HAVE YA TRIED DISSOCIATING? When faced with stress, some people flee, some people fight. But others freeze and do their best to disappear into their heads, where it’s safe and cozy and nothing is ugly or frightening or too difficult to deal with. Obviously this isn’t an actual recommendation, because dissociating can be scary! And not necessarily helpful! But if it happens to you, it’s okay. “It’ll pass,” you can tell yourself as you close your eyes. “All of this will pass.”

Open your eyes. Has it passed yet?

Don’t worry. It will.

Whatever you have to do to cope is fine (assuming it’s not too destructive). Anxiety is tough to deal with. Even your Anxiety Ambassador with years of experience doesn’t have a total handle on it. So don’t expect yourself to be able to make it disappear in an instant, as if you are a magician and anxiety is a bird that you hide in your pocket before revealing your empty palms to an amazed, “Oooh! Aaah!” At the end of the trick, nothing’s changed; the bird’s still there, squished and disgruntled in your pocket.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, just know that we’re all there with you. You’ll get through this time.

I promise.