Call the Doctor

in

I have anxiety.

SURPRISE!

I keep telling myself that TODAY! is the DAY! that I will FINALLY! CALL! and MAKE AN APPOINTMENT with a THERAPIST! 

But today comes and goes, and I find myself still with zero appointments and all the anxiety. Not because I'm lazy, although there's that, too. It's because, as you may know, when you have anxiety, you don't just pick up the phone and make a call. To a person. It's a whole process. And it goes a little somethin' like this:

  1. Find the number of the person or business you wish to call.
  2. Check if you can text them instead of call.
  3. Plug the number into your phone.
  4. Rehearse what you're going to say.
  5. Stare at your phone for two full minutes. Do not press call.
  6. Hide the phone in the couch cushions.
  7. Make a sandwich.
  8. Refine what you're going to say. Rehearse until it feels natural. 
  9. Sit on the couch. Berate yourself, quietly or out loud, for not being able to do this. You can DO THIS. This is FINE and NOT AT ALL SCARY. JUST--DO IT.
  10. Fish your phone triumphantly out of the couch.
  11. Plug the number in again. 
  12. Press call.
  13. HANG UP. HANG UP IMMEDIATELY. YOU DIDN'T REHEARSE ONE LAST TIME, YOU FOOL
  14. Take a shower because man, you've been sweating SO MUCH.
  15. While in the shower, try to think of every possible response the person on the other end of the phone could have when they answer and after you reel off your rehearsed spiel, and then plan out how you will handle it (Hint: you will not handle it well).
  16. Realize you've been in the shower for three hours. Look at your hands. They're shaking and pruney. The water's gone cold. You didn't notice.
  17. Get out of the shower.
  18. Glance at your phone.
  19. Go take a nap. It's been a long day.
  20. Repeat this process for twelve consecutive days.
  21. Decide you don't need to see a doctor after all. How sick could you really be, anyway? Look at all these sandwiches you made! You're fine.

So there you go. Twenty-one easy steps and the problem is solved, all without those pesky medical bills.

However, the time has come. TOMORROW! is the DAY! when I am GOING to DO IT! 

And by it, I mean find a place where I can make an appointment online. 

Stay tuned for the harrowing tale of my Very Embarrassing Visit to the Doctor. I mean, it hasn't happened yet, so I don't KNOW it's going to be very embarrassing, but...I think we can assume.