How to Self-Publish Your Book in 13-ish Easy Steps

Many of you have asked me, “What does publishing a book yourself involve?” As far as I can tell, for many people the process looks like this:

Step 1: Write a book.
Step 2: Publish the book.
Step 3: Profit.

Honestly. It is possible to write a book in a week, slap together some cover art, and e-publish it on Amazon in a single evening. Some people do this. They churn out stories like Willy Wonka pumping out bizarre confections.

However! For other writers, there is Much More To It Than That. So, my good person, let me break it down for you. (You’re lucky this isn’t a podcast, otherwise I would take this opportunity to break into a ‘90s-style rap about e-pub versus POD.) I’ve used first-person plural so it feels like we’re really in this together—because as far as I’m concerned, we are!

1. Write a book. Have we done that? Oh, good. Phew! God, okay, that’s a relief. I panicked for a minute, there. Like when you have one of those nightmares about a test you didn’t study for—what do you mean I spent seven years on this book and it isn’t actually written?! So, that’s…whew. That’s good. Let us proceed.

2. Have the thing edited. Because we have a dreadful desire to seem like we know what we’re doing, we have hired a professional editor. She’s great, but mysterious. Our contract states we aren’t allowed to reveal her full name anywhere except in the acknowledgments of our book. She is a shadowy figure, which is part of the reason we hired her. That, and she described our sample pages as “wry” and knows her way around a hyphen. So.

3. Do some research. I mean, we’re gonna have to research all SORTS of things, so get ready. What price points are comparative novels selling at? What’s the best subgenre to categorize our book under? Is it really a hard-and-fast rule that a preposition is something you shouldn’t end a sentence with? So much to learn!

4. Write front and back cover copy. Did you think we were finished writing once we reached “The End” on our manuscript? Fools! We are never finished! There will always be more to write! This copy may include a tagline, blurb, acknowledgments, dedication, About the Author page, maps, and so on. It’s the Boring Stuff, and the Difficult Stuff, so we must make sure to reward ourselves with little treats when we’ve been a good child and finished our tedious work.

5. Format. Once the book is entirely edited—which includes several rounds of tearily clicking through the thousands of suggested revisions from our mysterious editor, then pausing to gaze out the window and wonder if there has ever been a soul as downtrodden as ours—we can whip this baby into shape. Page numbers! Headings! Uh…I don’t know what else. We’re entering territory I haven’t experienced yet. Chapter…breaks…?

6. Design the cover. Or, rather, have a professional design it for us. We don’t want the book to look like those report covers we “designed” in 1998 using Microsoft WordArt.

• Do all sorts of Official Stuff. Like purchase ourselves an ISBN number. And copyright our book. And, if we’re writing under a pen name, we must register our Fictitious Business Name. This all sounds like a bit of a slog, but it may also make us feel Very Fancy, as if we have made an Agreement to purchase a Fine Art for a Hefty Sum. “Speak to my secretary!” we will say. “I must away to an important Business Meeting! Time is money! Adieu!”

• Did you notice we switched from a numbered list to bullet points? Just checking if you’re paying attention.

• Decide which distribution company/companies to use. KDP? IngramSpark? Smashwords? BookBaby? Kobo? Plimby? Fortunato? WordBuffs? I’m just making up nonsense now.

• Get all our marketing ducks in a row. Nothing worse than disorganized ducks. This will entail sorting out our social media profiles, sending Advanced Reader Copies to reviewers, sprucing up our website and adding a landing page, setting up author accounts all over the place, and planning fun things like giveaways and special guest appearances on the talk show your cat films on weekday mornings.

• Commission an audiobook. Bitches love audiobooks.

• Launch the thing! This is the exciting part! This is the culmination of everything we’ve worked for! We can finally upload our book to our sales platform(s) of choice and enjoy the lavish party we’ve planned to celebrate our achievement! (Read: Eating an enormous piece of funfetti cake and going to sleep for a full week.)

• Continue to analyze and shift marketing strategy. This last step will continue for the rest of our lives. And when it comes down to it, isn’t this why we became a writer in the first place? To study market trends and adjust keywords based on performance? What could be more fulfilling?

• Write the next book. No time to waste! Call my secretary! Wait till my shareholders hear about this!

There you have it! Easy peasy! Admittedly, we skipped about seventeen steps of proofreading and re-proofreading and panic-proofreading the night before we launch, but all that started to sound repetitive and neurotic, so I took it out. And I tried to make this sound as fun as possible, because the truth is I feel overwhelmed and terrified all day, every day. What if I miss something? my wily brain says. Am I a failure if I’m not about that rise-and-grind hustle4lyfe and aim only for a moderate career? What if I don’t do everything right and the authors of the internet rise up as one and laugh at me and I bring dishonor on all my friends and family?

So that’s why I try to make this process sound fun, at least. You might think it’s for the reader’s entertainment, but really it’s a coping mechanism. See? I coo at myself. It’s not so scary. It’s only thirteen-ish easy steps! And you know what? Nobody’s really watching you, anyway, so who cares if you mess up? Nobody. You are irrelevant. I cannot overstate how little people care about the things you do. Now, doesn’t that feel better?

It does.

And with that, it’s time for me to get back to work.

THE MEANTIME

I have secured an editor for the book. Her name is SUSAN and she’s the BEST. However, handing it off to someone else leaves me without anything to tinker and obsess over, so what else is there to do in the meantime?

ANSWER: PLENTY. There is NO TIME TO WASTE.

Most of it involves marketing. PRE-MARKETING. YOU MIGHT SAY.

[Side note: I know I’m not one to hold back the caps-lock, but I’ll probably go extra heavy on it in this post because marketing is actually the WORST and I have to PSYCH MYSELF UP for it. I APOLOGIZE.]

All the articles say one of the best things you can do as an aspiring or established author is GROW YOUR PLATFORM. I wish that meant the size of your heels, as I am all about that disco look, but NO. GET A GRIP. It actually means your online presence: social media, a blog (heyo!), YouTube videos, OnlyFans—any way you can get VISIBILITY and ENTICE UNSUSPECTING READERS to PLEDGE their LOYALTY to you and BUY ALL THE BOOKS. Plus any forthcoming MERCH.

I hate it. A lot of people hate it. It feels so mercenary and inauthentic, as if I want to strip mine you for your attention and money. Writers used to have it so easy. A thousand years ago, when writing was invented, all you had to do was show up with a story in your head and a song in your heart and be like, “Gutenberg, my good man! Would you be so good as to print this little tale of mine and distribute it among the literate populace? Thanks ever so, old chap!“ Granted, most of the population consisted of illiterate peasants, but if you were friends with the monarch, you could probably get them to make it mandatory for all citizens, literate or not, to purchase your book instead of firewood to warm themselves during the long, harsh winter.

But now, it’s all HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE. There are a JILLION BOOKS out there and a LIMITED NUMBER of READERS, and HALF those potential readers are already distracted by PODCASTS THESE DAYS.

Some of you have already asked me, HOW CAN I HELP? And to you darling people, I say THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. The honest answer is you don’t have to do anything! It’s enough that you’re reading my blog like a great friend and/or family member. And honestly, you ARE busy. You DO have podcasts to listen to. I know that. It’s sweet of you to want to support me and I appreciate you VERY MUCH.

But I guess, if you’re still insistent…here is a handy list of ways you can help your Friendly Neighborhood Writer. (Bonus: THEY ARE ALL FREE.)

• FOLLOW ME. To the ends of the earth. Just kidding—I don’t go anywhere! Instead, you can follow me on Instagram or Twitter @carriemulleryay. If you want. No pressure.

• SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER. Further instructions will await you in your inbox. This is actually one of the best free ways to support an author (aside from standing outside their house with an encouraging sign and some homemade peanut brittle) because it gives them STATS. How many subscribers do they have? How many people opened the email they sent? How many callously unsubscribed with nary a thought for their fragile emotions? How many were fake email addresses that bounced back, like seymourbuttes@aol.hotmail?

  (If you’re not sure whether you are already subscribed, just think back to earlier today. Did you find an email from me in your inbox? Did that email include a link to this post? If yes, you’re subscribed! If not, why not take a minute and subscribe now? Subscribe your friends! And your mom! And your dog! They’ll love the emails, I promise. They include a LOT of fun animal facts.)
  

• TELL YOUR FRIENDS. But just, like, keep it casual, you know? Don’t make it obvious that I want them to read my stuff. Just be cool. Okay? You promise you won’t tell them I like them? DO YOU PROMISE? Okay. Just be like, yeah, this lady is alright, I guess, she’s only like changed my life and whatever. Or whatever you want to say! That’s just like, a suggestion.

• PICKET YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY. I assume you’re doing this already, for one reason or another, but maybe add one more item to your list of grievances. Once the book comes out, it’d be COOL if your library could acquire it—that way you could read it for FREE and then maybe leave it in CONSPICUOUS PLACES AMONG THE STACKS so OTHER people will find it and read it TOO, and then you can start a BOOK CLUB TOGETHER and serve FANCY SCONES and then suddenly oh wow, LOOK AT ALL THE COOL BOOK CLUB FRIENDS YOU HAVE!

• VOLUNTEER FOR MY LITERACY FOUNDATION. It’s called BOOK, and the logo is just a picture of a person reading a book, because…if someone can’t read, I’m not about to make it harder for them to find us. My plan is to teach illiterate peasants to read so they can enjoy all my books instead of burning them for fuel. Win-win.

• LET ME KNOW WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU. In all seriousness, that’s really what this is all about, for me. That’s the trade. If you are giving me your time and attention, I want to give you something you’ll love in return. What can I make or do that will bring you happiness? Maybe that’s along the lines of, Name a character after me in your next book! or, Compose a song about slugs and perform it like you’re every member of an ‘80s hair band! or, Could you put out a colorful pamphlet on the dangers of eating apple cores? I hear the seeds have cyanide in them and I’m concerned because my boyfriend likes to eat apples whole. In one bite. It’s both alarming and fascinating. He’s done this eight times a day for fourteen years. Should he already be dead?

  If it’s in my power, I want to incorporate it into my work. For you. Because I love you. And because it’s a lot more fun to make something if you know in advance someone’s going to enjoy it.

  But yeah, please tell your boyfriend to stop Gaston-ing whole apples. That’s messed up.