That’s right, my bebes. It’s that time again. The most romantic time of the year. And if you’re in need of some flirting tips, as always, you’ve come to the right place. Maybe you have your eye on a special someone, but you haven’t told them yet? Well, with Valentine’s Day just a few days away, I’ve got the perfect way for you to confess your feelings.

Let’s get flirty.

1. Fill their home with oranges so that when they open the door they’ll all come rolling out. Then you pop out with a sign that says, “ORANGE you going to go out with me?” Bonus: So much vitamin C! No one’s gettin’ scurvy this year, boys!

2. Wear an interesting hat to reel them into conversation. Once you have them hooked, take off the hat to reveal “Wanna get dinner sometime?” shaved into your head.

3. Start a podcast called “Who’s My Crush?” Persuade enough listeners to leave reviews on iTunes so that the person you like will be sure to stumble across it. On each episode, have guests go through a local phone book and ask you, “Is it Miriam Abrams? Is it Jason Abromovich?” and so on. You could reveal who it is at the end of the first season, but if you have a fair number of downloads, why not stretch it to two?

4. Sit next to them with a big basket of dates. Not a cut-up calendar, Amelia Bedelia—just a plain, old Phoenix dactylifera off a common date palm tree of the family Arecaceae, grown in many tropical regions of the world. When they ask you what you have there, say, “Just some dates. Want one?” Then on your date, you can impress them with your extensive knowledge of sweet tropical fruits.

5. Just, like, have your friend tell them for you. This never backfires. People love to be wooed through a middleman. I mean, putting them on the spot and forcing them to be vulnerable in front of someone who’s not at all involved in the situation? Who wouldn’t love that?!

6. Catch them a large fish. Tell them you want to ask them out, but you’re floundering.

7. We all know that the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach. So all you have to do is make a small incision near their belly button, insert a laparoscope up past the abdominal organs and through the chest to the heart, and BOOM! You’re in.

8. Okay. Stay with me on this one. First, you apply to work at an insurance company. Wow them at the interview. Get a job in the claims department. Make friends at the office. Go out for karaoke with Beverly and The Girls from Accounting. Carpool with Doug-Who-Lives-Two-Streets-Over-From-You. Ace your quarterly performance review. Accidentally reply-all on an email from your boss. Gossip with Erica from HR about Beverly’s divorce. Celebrate your birthday with sheet cake in the break room. Force a laugh every time Doug says, “Hump day, huh, buddy?” Then, steal your special someone’s car and dump it in a lake. When they call to report the incident to their insurance company, who will be on the case but YOU, their helpful, attractive, and conveniently single claims representative!

9. Have you considered telling them with your words? From your mouth?

10. Just kidding. That’s ridiculous. YOU SHOULD GET A BOUNCE HOUSE INSTEAD, WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS, “JUMP ON INTO MY HEART!”