Here at EARTH, the flirting never stops! Human people are always on the lookout for a cute li’l snack to flirt at until they can take the time to devour them properly.

BUT HOW DO THEY KEEP THIS UP FOR THE TWENTY-FOUR LONG HOURS OF A STANDARD EARTH DAY?

Well, after years of observation we finally have the answers. Read on to find out.

To do a flirt

1. It all starts with limbering up. Human people have lots of fun sayings like, “A healthy body leads to a healthy mind!” and similar illogical statements. By the substitution property of proverbs, we can understand that a flirty body leads to a flirty mind, and a flirty mind is always prepared to seize any opportunity for a good ogle.

2. Identify a flirtee. Each human person is equipped with two large orbs in the front of their head to constantly scan for potential mates. Not sure what to look for? Try this list of Attractive Human Qualities:

   1. Strong, square jaw

   2. Long, shiny hair

   3. Lustrous beard

   4. Small waist and round, child-bearing hips

   5. Broad shoulders

   6. Large, red lips

   7. Low-pitched voice

   8. Small feet

   9. Full breasts

   10. Ample chest hair

   Have you found this person? Great!

3. Bring a gift. In the illustration above, you can see that one suitor has brought his flirtee a large egg, which human people consider the most valuable object on their small planet. Notice the frustrated expressions on the other suitors’ faces: they know their offerings cannot compare. A potted plant? A floppy hat and infinity scarf that are pre-worn? Some kind of cheugy sign to hang in her foyer? Come on. The ram did not even bring a gift. He knows he has no chance at a successful flirt.

4. Prepare a dance. Many Earth species dance to attract a mate, and it appears the human is no different. Start by gathering up all your dangly bits—limbs and hair and whatnot—and flinging them about in different directions. Try a jump. An elaborate twirl. Shake. (We’re not certain yet exactly what to shake, as directives differ, so it’s best to play it safe and shake everything.) Do a flip.

   1. Tip: Don’t forget music. Our research has shown this to be an important part of the ritual, as dancing in silence is seen by human people as an unsettling deterrent to further flirts.

5. Once you have succeeded in the above tasks, set out a fancy table with starched white linens and taper candles. This lets the flirtee know you are ready for consume-ation. But that doesn’t mean you can resort to churlish behavior! Allow the flirtee to dictate for themselves in what manner they will be prepared for the meal. Baked? Grilled? Wrapped in banana leaves and roasted in a pit? Remain perfectly polite to the end and you will find you are left with no bitter aftertaste in the morning.

“Truly,” you will tell your friends when you are fully sated, “they were indeed more than a snack. They were in fact an entire meal.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, fellow human people, and godspeed on your flirts!